Single Mothers

As a single parent, there is nothing I hate more than someone saying,

“Is his father around?  Did you know he was an asshole before you got pregnant?”

As if I am responsible for him being a ‘deadbeat dad.’  Yes, I am partially responsible for him being a dad.  He is solely responsible for him being a deadbeat.

Now, let me say that I completely understand why someone would ask that but know this:  Our relationship, good or bad, before having our son does not absolve him from being a good father.  Nor does that make me responsible for him being a bad father.

I raise my son alone.  I have a great support system in my family and my son’s paternal family.  I clothe him, feed him, care for him, protect him and love him AS I SHOULD.  I am taking responsibility for my actions and choices. I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing as a mother.  Being irresponsible led to my being a mother.  It also led to me making the responsible choice of taking care of my son.

That there is where the responsibility rope ends for me.  I AM NOT responsible for his father not being present.  I am not responsible for his father choosing to not be a parent.  When a person tells a woman, “well, you should have known….” you are taking the responsibility away from the man and placing it on the woman.  You are telling her, “it is your fault that your child’s father is not around.”  I now know that not to be true.

For a long time I beat myself up thinking that it was my fault that my son is growing up without his father. It took me a while to realize that I was blaming myself for something of which I have absolutely no control.  Once my son was born all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s became irrelevant.  I couldn’t go back and change anything.   All I could do was be the best mother possible.  And that’s what I’m doing.

We both chose to engage in irresponsible sex and our son is the outcome.  However, I am taking responsibility for my actions.  I refuse to take responsibility for his inactions, also.

Destyne-MillerDestyne is a single mother and educator. Through personal experiences and life lessons she hopes to bring a different perspective to everyday issues in a simple, straightforward, yet positive way.  With her free spirit and ever evolving thought process she takes on the challenge of bringing people together.  Not to make them think the same but to be able to exist as different and unique individuals. Visit her blog


10 thoughts on “I’m A Single Parent And I’m Not Responsible

  1. I never really understand why people choose to place the blame on the parent that stayed. I guess because you’re an easy target, nonetheless you can’t take all of the responsibility for another adult’s actions. You’re doing the best you can with what you have.

      1. Not to be funny, but did you read the article? I mean really read the article. I have taken responsibility for MY actions. Those are the only actions I can take responsibility for. He is responsible for his. What is so difficult about admitting that he is not taking responsibility? Even more so, what is difficult about admitting that I am taking responsibility and am not responsible for him? As a man you should want to hold fellow men accountable just as you are attempting, unsuccessfully mind you, to hold women.

  2. I’m currently pregnant and single and from the looks of it I might be single parenting. I blamed myself for the first few months of this pregnancy because of society saying its my fault. Now I’ve come to accept that we both made a baby, I chose to grow up and take care of it and he chose to walk out, his decision can never be my fault and the day I understood that I finally started to enjoy my pregnancy. I’m praying he changes his mind and comes back for his son but it will be his decision and I refuse to take responsibility for his irresponsibility. Thanks for this article, made me realize I’m not alone.

    1. Did you have sex with the goal of getting pregnant and having a baby and if so was your partner in agreement with that decision? If he had asked you to terminate the pregnancy would you have? If he wanted sex and you did not would you? So exactly what makes him irresponsible, not doing what you want him to do? Seems to me you don’t have a contract, the agreement between two parties. You decided and he did not go along with your decision. Just who is irresponsible?

      1. A contract? Doing what she wants him to do? I’m a man, a single father, and your posts make no sense sir. You are the illness that real black men have to answer for when our kids wonder why they didn’t have a father.
        I had my son at 32 and let me say my child’s mother is worthless. My being reckless is what HELPED us become parents. I didn’t know she was a crap woman and I didn’t care when I was creating my son. As a Christian man, I couldn’t bring myself to ask her to get an abortion but I am man enough to keep it real a hopes she would have. My son’s mother is a high school drop-out, a petty criminal, and a pill popper and NONE of that is his fault, or is it mine. It is my fault for making her his mother. It’s not about what she or I want, but those of us with good sense understand it’s about what is best for the child. You don’t seem to have good sense. I don’t know the lady who wrote this and I came here (like you seem to have) to defend men because as a single male parent I know for a fact it’s not just us out here making ” choices”. After reading what she said I can relate in everything she saying and the only difference is I’m a man. She clearly said she made the decision to have sex, now you come here talking bull about contracts and abortions? I hope that isn’t a pic of you because you look too old not to be a man yet. I manned up to not just see, but legally raise my son alone. It wasn’t easy or cheap to gain full sole custody of him (I’m in the military so that made the process even harder) so on behalf of REAL men and fathers out here I can’t let you excuse the piece of crap she wrote about or those like him looking for an excuse from manhood. I get the same questions and confront them like the man I want my son to become.

  3. Ashe! Markus and kudos to the author of this article. It shows growth to come to terms that you can only be responsible for your actions and/ or decisions. We can begin healing a lot faster if more people did the same. Stay focused!

  4. Being a single mother SUCKS! Having to deal with rude behaviour, household chores and earning a decent living really gets me frustrated sometimes! Someone needs to teach some men about RESPONSIBILITY! My unknown pals at C2S agree completely! Check out today!


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