I, at one time in my young life, hated women. Hate is such a strong word, but it is appropriate for expressing how I felt at a time in my life. I despised women for their naïveté, and their false pretenses that would come off as “lame” to me. These false pretenses strayed far from the reality in which I lived in. A façade that came to be known as life’s mascara hiding ones true blemishes made me believe that all women were nothing more than rugs that needed to be stepped on. I quite naturally gravitated to the idea of being a user, and an abuser, because as a man, or so I thought that is ultimately what we do to women. In the society we currently live in, mainstream America tells many like I that our manhood is predicated by our ability to be dominant and in control. I applied that rationale to how I dealt with the woman in my life. I came to realize that if I had a little bit of power,( money, cars, clothes) equals that women would be more receptive to me. It was not until I started going through some things that I was made aware of my misogynistic ways. Then I came to the conclusion that I, Qaadir Morris was a misogynist.
Misogyny derives from the Greek word “misogunia” which means hatred of woman. I did not become aware of this word until recently. The only thing that I knew was that I had a strong dislike of women. I was reading a book that I recommend to all young black males titled “Who’s Gonna Take The Weight” by Kevin Powell. One chapter in particular talked about his feeling of resentment towards women. It seemed comparable to my own preconceived notions that I began to truly analyze my mentality and myself. I was firm in my masculinity, but I grew wary of a woman getting close to me. I feared the idea of being looked at a certain way, and I feared the idea of being disappointed. I thought that because I did not have certain things going for me anymore that the women that I would come in contact with would not care for my issues. My preconceived notions would lead me to do the same, so henceforth I would try to get what I could from a woman.
I attribute my mentality at that stage of life to my upbringing. As a lot of us from urban communities, I too came from a single parent household. I love and cherish my mother, but there were times when even she would fall into the sight of my misogynistic views. I always wondered why my dad was never around. Why is it that he didn’t want anything to do with me? I formed this thought in my mind that it was my mother’s fault for him not being there. She must have pissed him off to the point of no return. As I reached my teenage years I strongly felt that it was her, and not my dad that caused us to never meet. As I matriculated through high school, and started to develop my own ideologies I could understand why my dad left us. Hell, I would have left if I had to deal with my mom on that level. With age and experience I now know that I again was wrong with my feelings.
Being from “Urban America” the streets played a big role in my misogynistic views. In the hood, all you really have is your manhood, and it is determined by your style, your lingo, and of course by how many women you can sleep with. The music that I digested, played a big role in my misogynistic ways. My friends and I would begin to apply what we learned from Master P and the whole Cash Money click in our day-to-day lives. We wanted to be hood rich and began to use choice words like “bitches and hoes” to describe the women in our neighborhood and at school. The crazy part about this is that I was genuinely a good guy. I had manners, and to some I was too “nice” to the ladies. This idea of being “nice” blew me too, because again I thought that women did not want to be respected. Because I would talk to them in a respectable manner and get played to the left, where as the guy who would feel on them and talk disrespectful to them would get the girl. I had no choice but to switch the swag because I wanted the girls. My rude and egotistical mannerisms had to show brighter than my intelligence if I wanted to be considered cool with the ladies, or so I thought.
I am a recovering misogynist. I can honestly say that I know longer despise women. Of course there is still room for growth, but I am now more aware than I have ever been. I do not claim to know it all, but I am aware of my flaws and that is a good thing. I believe that as a man we get so caught up in the material things in the world that we feel we have to buy our piece of love and happiness. I can’t say that I never flexed, because honestly I did. Maybe it is just the caliber of women that I was meeting that led me to believe these things. If I change my surroundings, I will get different results in my interactions. It comes down to being secure with who you are and knowing where you are going. I am not yet completely healed from the plague that a lot of us men face which is misogyny, but I am man enough to address the issue. What do you think?
Qaadir Morris is a journalist born and raised in the great city of Atlanta, Georgia. Morris is a recent graduate of Shaw University, located in Raleigh, North Carolina. Currently writing on a freelance level, Morris has interviewed the likes of T.I, and Andrew Young just to name a few. Qaadir is currently working on a novel titled “Schools Out”, which focuses on the trials and tribulations of a recent college graduate. In his artistic expression, Mr. Morris wishes to convey a sense of reality through words. “Writing for me has always been therapeutic”, says Mr. Morris. “Writing is like raising children; you have to instill structure yet give them space to grow and develop a personality.” As he continues to evolve Morris is also working on completing another novel by the end of the year, and organizing a series of events in the Metro Atlanta area.
10 thoughts on “The Mind of A Recovering Misogynist”
This was a real eye opener for me as a woman. I never heard of “misogyny”, and I now have a better understanding of why some men are the way they are. I’m positive that there are women who suffer from something similar. Sometimes women can be very egostitical, materialistic, and feel that men are only there to supply there every need…so I also understand what would drive a man to feel the way he does. In the end, it’s like a never ending battle because people have forgotten what love and respect really means and some women don’t know what being there for their man (even through the rough times) is all about. We all need an epiphany like you have seem to have. Great article…I’m looking forward to reading more from you!!!!!
This is the best piece I’ve read in a while! There so much power in being honest, brutally so. And there even more power in taking back self control–snatching back one’s humanity from the jaws of the enemy.
This is a great article Brother Qaadir. This article shows the challenges that young black men are faced with. I too am from a single parent household and with not having that father figure present will have you grow up treating women how you think they should be treated, rather than knowing. Knowing you personally I commend you for your honesty and sincerity. I know it took a lot for you to discuss this topic and I am glad that you have shared it with us. You have the ability to inspire so many lives with this article. For those young men that dont know why they react to women the way they do, this can open their eyes and give them understanding. I am looking forward to reading your other pieces of work. Be Blessed!
Great article “Q”! It shows that you are growing as an individual bruh. When you can admit the truth about yourself, then teach others from your experience; shows that you are on the right track! Damn good article boi!
I agree with thisbrother all the way. But just to add it take a long time to know who you are in your own skin. men and women alike are very selfish about their innermost feelings I’m talking about letting the walls of gender down. just me and you women to man ,man to women. but nowadays love is more about what you can get .and not about the beauty of the bond. Pure love is the foundatio, everything else comes second it just takes time to learn that.
The author wrote: “In the hood all you have really is your manhood, and it is determined by your style, your lingo, and of course by how many women you can sleep with.”
I did NOT grow up in the hood; I grew up in the country. Our definition of “manhod” was based upon your physical strength, which was proven in digging holes, carrying tools, splitting wood, carpentry, plumbing, etc. We learned to hunt, fish, fix small engines, garden, mow the neighbors’ lawns and work Sunday morning paper routes. Manhood meant learning how to drive a tractor, push a stubborn car to jump-start, backyard football games and picking apples off the high branches of a 30 year old tree.
My 4 brothers and I grew up without a mother and I only saw one of my grandmothers and that was at my young mother’s funeral. While I can appreciate the young brother’s brutal honesty, I can’t relate to his ideology at all. Manhood has been defined within African AND African American culture for many, many generations.
I would encourage the young brothers to turn the bill of their hats forwards, as did out fathers and grandfathers. Follow the pathway to manhood that was established a long time ago. I don’t think it should be so complicated as there are a lot of other critical social, economic, sustainability and security tasks that True Men must take primary responsibility for.
Maybe I am a bit old-school for some of the young brothers. Yet, I am convinced that my Daddy’s Daddy and his grandfathers before him had it right and we should never have deviated. I taught my daughters to look for and expect those old time values when they bring a young man to meet their father — THAT’s old school, too!
Well,I can honestly say that this bought tears to my eyes.Men like your former self (still thriving to be better)are out here everyday.I see it every single day.But,it does my heart good to read about a young man who has recognized the falsehood in such thinking and the damage it does to the communities we live in.Thanks for such an informative thought provoking article.
Wow. Hatred of women… that’s deep! In every situation you have at least 2 options. Continue along the path underway or to chose a path of something totally opposite. Instead of hating women, could you not find the good that some of the women in your life bring to the table? The benefits of healthy relationships with women with whom you were in contact?
I guess I’m so confused because I didn’t see the guy who dogged the girl the most and touched her inappropriately, getting the girl in my upbringing. Not at home, not in school, not in my experience of growing up in Canton, Ga. In my experience athletes, scholars and charmers were the ones who won.
Thanks for posting this article. It was interesting because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. I have heard the single parent scenario from the woman’s point of view and today from the male’s view point. I never really saw it or latched on to the idea that the mother drove the father away. If he could not stand the mother, why proceed to sleep with her. If he wanted to see his child, then man-up and make it happen. I can however understand why you had those feelings of resentment and bitterness towards your mother, but baby-making is a 2-way street.
Qaadir, this was a refreshing read. I am a black woman and i felt connected to your words. I wanted to hear more of your insight. Its great to hear the other side, and what leads someone to the beliefs they have, and how they eventually overcome. Keep writing and please keep me posted.
Hell, I would have left to if I had to deal with my mom on that level. With age and experience I now know that I again was wrong with my feelings.
I still feel the same way and dont think I’m wrong for those feelings because it is more then a feeling. Its has logic principal and a foundation to stand on.
Its not all her fault but then it never is all nobodies fault.
I dont hate women I just fully come to grasp with the fact that i dont understand them at all and thats because most dont understand themselves. They are masters of deception and sometimes deceptions blends in with reality and u become confused drastically. Kinda like Heath Ledger in Dark Knights. Alot of the time we as people not just women get stuck in roles we are playing on the stage of life and who we really are becomes just a twinkle in the eye of a ant.
My little sister who i love dearly and sacrificed so much for but we cant even have a 5 minute conversation, and its not cause i hate her or despise her. I think the world of her just dont understand her and it depresses me so i leave it alone.Come off to aggressive I push her away, Act like its nothing happening and she thinks i condone it and everything is okay. I think the world of her and think she deserves the best she thinks in this world dating a blood and staying out partying all night will be the best. No matter how much i tell her different so i may hate her decisions but dont hate her just dont understand her.
America is based on capitalism, as much as i hate it, U either eat or u get eaten. Its nothing personal against women its just the structure of they system we in. The weak get eating the strong get beating the smart and calice hearted keep feasting. Whether man or women every time i put my heart out there 2 people and came back beat up battered and tatted
Only person I trust with it now is God and thats the way i feel it was intended from the beginning of time