The 7 biggest misconceptions about what black men want from black women
The 7 biggest misconceptions about what black men want from black women
By Guest Writer Stephanie Willis
I’ve compiled a list of the most prevalent misconceptions about what black men are looking for in a woman as well as opinions they have about other subjects. It’s important that these fallacies are addressed and debunked because matters like these directly correlate to the fact that there are so many single black women in the United States. Communication between men and women in the black community has become strained and therefore has resulted in many assumptions that are just not true being spread throughout the media and social settings. I hope the following reveals some truths and clears up things once and for all.
1.) Having a bachelor degree, masters’ degree, new house, expensive car, and money in the bank make a good woman.
Most men couldn’t care less about how much money a woman makes or the type of car she drives. In today’s society, women have been able to achieve and flaunt unprecedented amounts of success in the form of great jobs, higher education, expensive homes, lots of disposable income, etc. However, the building blocks of a good woman have remained the same. This means striving to be a good listener, working to be a caring and compassionate partner, supportive, having respect for yourself and others as well as maintaining house and home. Never underestimate these attributes. What grandmother taught you still matters, especially to a black man. Having a great career and money in the bank should complement a woman’s’ good personality and classy demeanor. Sometimes women put so much energy into the superficial things that society deems most important that they don’t take the time to truly develop their own personality. Having all the trappings of success can not replace the simple characteristics that all men desire.
2.) A black man is intimidated by a successful woman
A secure man will never be intimated by the fact that his woman is intelligent, successful, and financially stable. If a woman perceives her man to be intimated or jealous by her accomplishments it may be one or all of the following: That man is ashamed that it has taken him longer than he hoped to reach his own career goals, He feels his lady has un realistic expectations of where he should be success wise in relation to hers’, his woman try’s to control the relationship and in doing so he doesn’t feel like an equal partner, or lastly, it could be that he isn’t truly as secure as he’d like to be.
3.) Black men like their women thick
Some men prefer a little meat on their woman’s bones where as some prefer the super model, size 2 physique, but make no mistake, men across the board would prefer their women to be healthy and fit. There is such a misconception about black men wanting their women to big “thick” that I’ve known people not to work out for fear of losing their big booty or thick thighs. The truth is that being “thick” as far as what black men are referencing is a certain body type that a woman naturally has: not something they can create with food and lack of exercise. Many black men agree Lisa Raye is attractive due to the shape of her body and overall appearance. Women have to realize that there isn’t a certain brand of jeans, diet, or exercise Ms. Raye did to make her body look like that. Body type is something you’re born with and can only change with plastic surgery which can be costly and dangerous. Above all else women should strive to maintain a healthy weight and whatever form their body takes be thankful for that. Don’t throw away your treadmill or fill up on fast food in the hopes that it will make you “thick” when doing so might just leave you fat and running to the nearest Weight Watchers meeting.
4.) Black men like weaves, wigs, and extensions more than a woman’s own hair due to their obsession with long, flowing tresses.
Most men like long hair. It’s the truth whether women like it or not. The consensus in the locker room and barber shop is a woman who is rocking her own hair is preferred be it short or long. Most men don’t mind a modest weave or even a wig for a special occasion but nothing beats running their fingers through real hair. If a man says otherwise it doesn’t mean he’s lying. He either doesn’t want to hurt that woman’s feelings or her weave actually looks pretty natural and it’s not over the top. Whether your hair is short or down your back if its natural that’s best in a black men’s eyes. A man will take short and real any day over long and weaved. If you’re a woman and you don’t agree with what I just said don’t shoot the messenger. This came straight the mouths of men.
5.) Black men have a fear of commitment
Often times if a man is reluctant to put a title on a relationship or ask a woman to marry him after a certain amount of time women think it’s because he’s afraid to commit. More often than not that man just doesn’t want to commit to that woman and is giving her excuses while he’s actively searching for someone he truly wants. A man that’s ready for marriage and a long term commitment isn’t afraid of getting serious. Men don’t like to be in limbo. If they want someone they’ll make it crystal clear and take the steps to move things forward. She won’t have to guess how he feels, or nag him about being exclusive. If he doesn’t want that woman then that’s when the games, lies, and excuses will start. Women have to recognize when they’re dealing with a man who has no intentions of committing to them for whatever reason. If you’re a woman reading this and you find that statement hard to believe just think of all the relationships you’ve heard about where a guy strings a girl along for years, never bringing up marriage, and then after they finally break up he announces he’s found the one and is engaged.
6) All black men cheat
There is no one race of men that cheat more than the other. Just because past relationships may have ended in cheating and heartbreak doesn’t mean they all will. A man will only treat a woman how she allows so she should set standards from the beginning as to what she will or will not tolerate. If you run across a woman who tells you that all black men cheat it’s usually because she’s been cheated on herself and has unresolved anger towards that man. Women can’t let failed relationships shape their views on all black men. It will only cause them to come off bitter and emotionally unavailable.
7.) To be the ultimate catch to a black man you must look like Beyonce
Because the media often portrays black women in six inch heels, extremely long flowing hair, tight revealing clothes, and Barbie doll inspired make as being the desired look by men it’s no wonder women are often confused about what men will find to be attractive. The question shouldn’t be what a black man finds sexy but what does that woman feel comfortable in: what looks good on her body type. Men like a women who’s confident in her appearance. They can tell when she’s trying to look a way that doesn’t come natural to her. The worst thing a woman can do is try to be something other than who she is. It’s not sustainable and eventually the real you will have to be revealed. This would include women who wear so much makeup that no one recognizes them when they aren’t dolled up. I could expand upon that issue forever but you all get the point.
I hope this article was informative as well as thought provoking. Spread the word far a wide people so these lies can stop being spread throughout our community and the media.
…..And that’s all folks. 1 luv 
Stephanie Tru
Visit Stephanie’s Blog,
Confessions of a 20 something – Single Black female http://sbfconfessions.wordpress.com/
17 Responses to The 7 biggest misconceptions about what black men want from black women
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The information was well put and I couldn’t agree with you more on it.
Thanks Keith, we had a great guest writer. You can visit her blog at http://sbfconfessions.wordpress.com/
but how
Number 5 is my favorite one. If a man is playing games that he does not really want you. Just let it go and move on. Men know what they want. I just wish they would not play games and if they are not interested. They should just leave you alone, not use you until they find somebody they want to commit to. Men are so selfish, they don’t think about hurting somebody. They just go around playing with people’s hearts, sexing people up, and hanging them to dry. I know I sound bitter but its just the truth. Why are women always the ones to blame when things go wrong. Why aren’t the men having to make any changes?
I agree on the hair thing. I don’t particularly like fake hair unless its braids. Black women always look beautiful with braids to me. However, I disagree that most of us like our women with long hair. I think its more that we are brainwashed to believe that long is more desirable. The same way we are brainwashed to believe that lighter skin is more beautiful. I have seen beautiful women with shaved heads, short twists, locks, and twas. Everyone of them looked gorgeous. I think black people need to really examine the level of Eurocentric self hatred that we have embodied. Thanks for the post. Good read!
Well, let me see if you are a black woman who has dealt with black men from the time of birth or lets just say the age of understanding.Your opinion about number 6 might be shaped by what you have seen or experienced in life.I can’t speak on other races experiences with faithfulness.My dad cheated on my mother,my grandfather cheated on my grandmother,many of my aunts husband have cheated on them and have outside children to prove it.I myself have been a strong loving woman in my life to a least two men and in spite of all that they cheated on me some even after being forgiven for the first act of treason.So I have drawn a side ways attitude about the black mans ability to be monogamous to just one woman.There are so many of us and so few of them,which makes the market a very long and hectic road.
I would like to say that it is unfortunate that u and youR family had to experience all of the cheating but I can assure you that the story can be told in the other direction as well. I can name a laundry list of black women who has cheated on their partners. As a black female other sistahs had shared with me their stories of their cheating. The article said that the black women are the ones with the high STD rate. This was brought out by the major media outlets recently. There was no mention of black men in these stories. Too often, black women want to argue against reality when it’s not showing them in good light. They justify their combativeness with claiming to be strong. We never want to own our part in why the relationship went south, our why the men are turning out irresponsible or cheaters. The truth is we are the mothers of black men so why are not training our sons up better. Until we can start taking accountabiliy for our own actions and change for the better, Im afraid the single rate for black women will only grow. WAKE UP MY SISTAHS!!!
@ this x of rebirth & reconnection w ourselves as Afrikans respectfully I believe it may hav been more necessary 2 highlight or identify misconceptions about womanhood or important points about womanhood wn the Afrikan community. Given that what men “want” depending on where they r n their life may not necessarily be what they need, you feel me? You may find a good brotha w a misconception of Afrikan beauty, mommy issues or wutever other way post tramatic slave syndrome is manifested, while some may b 2 far gone 2 wrk w I stil believe that our role in the healing of our communities should not be underestimated 2 the point of merely trying to please an individual who may hav issues 2 begin w. Of course Afrikan women also have issues which is y I believe the focus should b on our role as women & wut we need 2 do 2 deserve the title as Queen because a Real Black Woman brings tha Best out of a Black man.
Blessings
1 more quote n I’m thru: “A womans heart should be so hidden in peace and light, a man would need to seek them first to find it” Yebo!!
I am really glad that she put it out there. Although I think that it is important for woman to reflect on their womanhood and all of the ideals that go along with that, understanding who we are as women in relationships is integral to that as well. When we as women allow ourselves to be subjected to men who treat us bad, and do us wrong for too long, we start to believe that its normal and even acceptable to some degree. It is important for us to stop acting and reacting to men based on only low expectations, because we will inevitably get what we are looking for. I think that this article does a good job of showing some ways in which woman can make it harder to get what they want out of a man.
This was very good “food” for thought. A message to merinate & chew on. Interesting to hear some of these things said from a woman.
Your message is right on point. Thanks for the ability to research these 7 misconceptions and report your findings. I can only hope that as much time, and effort will go into the thought process of correction, and change.
Awaiting with great anticipation , your next article.
This article touched on some very valuable points and I would encourage for all black women to really thing about what this sista is saying. One brotha told me that there is no debate about what a black man wants in a mate. He wants his women loving, nurturing, supportive and passionate. Black men are no different then any other men, they dont want to come home to an angry women who is covering up her ‘bad’ attitude with the word strong. He deserves a loving woman who respect him so I encourage black women, who truly seek a strong long lasting relationship to think about this.
I will also have to agree on the ‘weave’ thing. I have had many black men tell me they are not really into weaves thing but yet I see more and more black women go for weaves. In response, they claim black men love it. There seems to be a HUGE gap in communication between black men and women. In the past, by in large, black women dominated the conversation regarding black relationships so I’m pleased that the men are giving their voices. My words of advice would be to simply listen to what black men are saying and you will find your mate!
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This article still puts forth the stereotype that there are still well defined gender roles for men and women; and if a women steps out of that prescribed role then she is no longer seen as having any value to a Black man. When will there be true equality in dating among the sexes? especially since Black Men are perceived as the prized commondity and control the relationship?
I know men don’t like weave, but I would never wear my hair short and natural just to please men. I wear weave because I like it and its convenient, not for male attention. I think that applies to a lot of black women, we aren’t constantly trying to look good for men.
Love the article was very informative and will use the info to better my relationship and self thanks.